Beyond the Blank Page...

I have reached the point where over that last few months I have stopped by beyond 'the blank page' with no real desire to do anything - to contribute - to delete it or whatever. Perhaps I thought I could simply abandon it - dive overboard and leave it to be a ghost ship doomed forever in the mists of a blogging sea, drifting aimlessly. That option struck me as a little sad. A bit like a Christmas Day puppy which has grown into the size of its paws and no longer considered cute. Lately I have become more aware of wanting to do something with it - but what I wasn't sure... Did I want to begin again somewhere else - to be honest I had had a couple of goes at upgrades so to speak but they too had fallen at the wayside...

Today I went back to my very first blog entry- I wanted to try and understand what had motivated me to start blogging in the first place. And why I was having such a hard time in making a decision what to do next. So if I do have any readers who still linger here please excuse my obsessed naval gazing or please just turn the page...

I had started this blog it seems as a way to try and satisfy a creative itch. I had wanted to journal and make some sense of this creative drive that continually gnawed at me. I smile to myself now as I read about the things I wanted to achieve - the kids story - it's still in the bottom draw - the stitched geese - still not a gaggle. My crazy quilting has taken a back seat along with other things that while stirred my interest at the time have lost momentum and now too are languishing in their equivalent of a bottom draw. Hm mm...

I re-read the comments which people had left me - ones of encouragement - of applauding me to have a go at what made my adrenalin pump. Some suggested that I was about to begin a wondrous journey of self discovery... Others keen to see the outcome of my endeavours...

To be honest I was not really sure why I begun blogging - sure as previously stated I thought to use it as a means to help me make sense of my creative streak. Perhaps I thought blogging might keep me honest - that I would have another reason to complete things which I had started and a wider audience in which to share them with.

I have read some interesting pieces about why people blog - I am sure we all have. Some blog because of distance which separates them from family and friends - a way of 'being present' - and in touch - some blog because of a common interest which they can share locally as well as globally. Some bloggers use blogging as a tool to extend themselves into the 'wider community' and that too can be broken down into different reasons. Bloggers even meet up - to link the blogging persona with the real time person. I have met some fellow bloggers and have immensely enjoyed the experience. We have met for a coffee and I guess in honesty looked each other over - were they who I expected them to be or was I who they thought I would be???

Part of the reason I have come to believe was simply the challenge of it - why do most of us try anything different - there perhaps is partly the answer - because it is different. Trying different things brings challenges - challenges broadens our beings and make us grow and hopefully enriches our lives. Another clue is my personality type - I like people and I like communicating - I am a people person. I can see why blogging appeals to me as it is a multi-faceted tool and one that could be used in a many ways.

I think the title also hold a key to what I wanted from my blogging - that there was a promise of something else something 'beyond' what was initially viewed. I remember choosing the image of the flying birds and the 'faded' out surround with deliberation. I didn't want to set definite boundaries and adding the image of flying there was a wordless suggestion of the limitless freedom I perceived flying brought - I perhaps at that time saw blogging as similar in as much that it doesn't have many constraints and was pretty limitless...

That also brings me to the point where I knew that I was deviating from the craft side of things to a more general blog and I worried that I was doing too much reflecting and not enough 'doing'. I wasn't really keen to have a blog for each thing I did as I knew that it took all my energy to write one let alone two. Perhaps in the end I stifled my own creativity...

Over the time I hung the 'gone fishing sign' on the front door a few times to have a break from blogging. But a break from what I now wonder - there has been no reason for me to continue at all - there was no demand that I keep blogging - no huge readership to which I was obliged to 'keep fed'. In my mind my blogging had lost momentum - it had become stale - like I felt I had become. I am not one to 'tell all' and I like to think I respect people's privacy and so I was limited in what I did write about. Real life too had picked up speed from that first entry - a full time job coupled with illness - while not life threatening- had decreased my energy levels to almost zero. Life had - as is the nature of the beast-had changed somewhat from that first entry and in many ways had taken its toll on my blogging.

I think too was my continual aspiration for my blog to be 'just perfect'. I ended up in some mad whirl of wanting it all to be 'just so'. At times I wore my self out with the frustration of trying too hard and lost sight of why I started blogging in the first place. I felt that I needed to keep updating it with all the bells and whistles so to speak so to keep the blog interesting. It was no longer a 'vehicle' for me to express my creative endeavours it became the creative endeavor itself...

Why am I so bothered as to my blogs fate - people create and abandon blogs every day without a second thought. The blogging world is littered with out of date slices of people's lives. Like a torn out diary page found blowing along the street - free out in the world - saying little - sparking one's imagination to much...

Lastly I have thought about the type of blogs which I continue to read. What makes me want to keep reading and commenting. What is their appeal - their attractiveness?? Some which I do read don't necessarily share my interests or my point of view but I continue to 'tune in' on a regular basis. Interesting...

I have decided however for the moment to have a rethink and a 'spring clean' - perhaps make some changes and decide from there the next step. Hey!! Now wouldn't that be a good name for a new blog???

Image taken from Caroline Myss Healing Cards - Caroline Myss & Peter Occhiogrosso.